My postpartum journey entry #2: find your mama tribe

You’ve gotta know and love the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” I decided to look that saying up and according to Wikipedia (which I leveraged for the sake of time so forgive me if this is not 100% accurate) it states that "It takes a village to raise a child" is an African proverb that means that an entire community of people must provide for and interact positively with children for those children to experience and grow in a safe and healthy environment.

This goes beyond saying that you simply need people to “help others out” and it places responsibility on a community for molding the children within it. I wholeheartedly love and support that.

The reason I thought about this proverb is that I think there needs to be a sister saying “ “it takes a village to support a mother.” Something that I kept hearing from all of my postpartum care providers was “if mommy is happy, the baby is happy” and based on my personal experience that is very true. So, it leads me to say that one of the best ways to ensure that a child is properly supported is to help the mom feel supported. It is critical to have a support system while pregnant and after delivering your baby.

One of the biggest forms of support that we had was family. In a Covid world, we couldn’t have as many people visit as we would have liked but we were very fortunate to have my mother stay with us for four months. We actually kind of kidnapped her. She was supposed to stay one month but then we were waiting to see when my fibroid surgery might take place and then we needed help with the move—so we kept her. What I found though is that I didn’t need her to take care of the baby, I wanted to learn how to care for my baby and to bond with her. What I did need was for someone to take care of me and my household. Just because I was a mom now didn’t mean that I didn’t need someone to take care of me.

I got a lot of advice saying that I should clearly identify roles and responsibilities in our housefold. That proved to be helpful advice in my family dynamic. We clearly identified swim lanes and that was helpful in avoiding conflict. I highly recommend getting everyone on the same page before you dive in.

I was blessed to have my mother care for me, she is really good at caring for others. She made me homemade soups, helped with laundry, and watched the baby while I went to a million follow-up appointments. I had peace of mind with her help. I know that stealing your parents isn’t always feasible so outsource if you can or call in some favors to friends. Try and get help so you can refuel and find quick moments of self-care. Self-care may not look like it did before but even a quick walk around the block alone can feel like a spa day after having a baby.

My mom was a huge piece of the puzzle but she wasn’t the only piece. I needed some of my contemporaries too. I needed a mom network that understood exactly what I was going through in this day and age. Because let me tell you, my mom and I swapped stories and things were quite different in the 80s.

All of my friends are amazing. I can only hope that you have friends like mine. If not, maybe it’s time to do inventory and upgrade if you aren’t seeing the same kind of love. I had friends, drop off an emergency breast pump, deliver meals and wine, facetime me from all over the world, send me gifts while I was pregnant to cheer me up and who checked in every day.

Can I tell you, I don’t think I showed up like this for all of my friends after they had their babies. It goes back to me saying you kind of don’t get it until you are in it. I showed up with gifts and I checked in but I don’t know if I really understood what they needed. If you have a postpartum friend, ask her if she needs lactation advice, for you to grab takeout or to watch the baby so she can take an extra-long shower.

I also leveraged and continue to leverage many wellness experts. I always make time for mental health, I meet with my healer one to two times per month over the phone. I called him shortly after my delivery to help with my surgery PTSD and I cried it out on the phone with him and then fell asleep — while I was still on the phone. That was hands down one of the best therapy sessions (and sleep) I have had to date. It is helpful to have an unbiased party you can dish it all to and who will never cast any judgment. Judgment is kryptonite for a new mom.

I also wanted to “beat” the fibroid holistically if I could so I dove into eastern medicine. I went to acupuncture and found that while it was disguised as acupuncture it felt like another therapy session but this time from a fellow mom. My acupuncturist was warm, empathetic and helped me heal in so many ways. We would talk about breastfeeding challenges and I would update her on my experience as a new mom. I found a practitioner who is focused on pregnancy and postpartum health. She was a recommendation from one of the mamas in my tribe. It was really hard to find the time to do this and I sometimes felt stressed and guilty leaving the baby but it was necessary to fill my cup. Mom and my husband pitched in so I could go and baby did her thing too. I leveraged my insurance for this care so that’s something to explore since it can get pricy.

Another amazing resource that I leveraged was a lactation consultant. She was recommended by another amazing mom in my tribe. I am going to write a whole other post on breastfeeding because I have a whole lot of thoughts on that subject but for now what I will say is that it was great to work with a lactation consultant who represented my needs and who wasn’t preaching her agenda, something that irritated me a bit at the hospital.

Lastly, make sure that your doctors match your personality. My OB and Hazel’s pediatrician have been critical in my postpartum journey. I ask them a million questions, call when I need to and there hasn’t been an ounce of judgment.

Something I will leave you with, my OB talked to me about “postpartum depletion” the other day when she was telling me not to get pregnant any time soon (she is a funny woman). And the concept is so interesting yet simple, the body is depleted after having a baby (so don’t go and have another right away). Yes, I can attest to that and I think that so many other women can too. It is important to fill the voids when you are depleted.

I shared some of the things that I did to fill my voids based on my circumstances and needs. That may look entirely different for you. Please recognize that it is not only okay but it is critical to ask for help and to receive it. We are all juggling so much as moms and eventually if you keep juggling one of the balls does drop. You deserve a community too and just like the proverb says one that makes you feel like you are in a safe and healthy environment.

I’m sharing some of my bay area wellness experts, please comment if you have any experts in your city that may be helpful to anyone who stumbles upon this post.

The root and branch accupuncture

• I would see Courtney Reiman

• Adrienne Lalanne also provided me with an amazing postpartum massage where I released so much tension and I subsequently pumped my personal best that night

BreastfeedingSF

• Farrell Tophman was a wonderful help with breastfeeding and increasing supply

My friends

• Just kidding, you can’t have my friends :)

My postpartum journey entry #1: how it went down

I am 5 months post-partum, I had a c-section and then an open myomectomy 4 months later. So yeah, your math is right two massive surgeries and a newborn in four months. Oh, and as if things weren’t nutty enough, we bought a house and moved.

I had a wild pregnancy. The pandemic wasn’t even the wildest part. I learned at my first prenatal visit that maybe I had been pregnant for months, maybe I was carrying twins or maybe I had a fibroid because I was measuring at four months pregnant when I thought that I was six weeks pregnant. Because I am old and I was not on an episode of Teen Mom I knew that there was no way I was pregnant for months. I mean, I was peeing on ovulation sticks. You know you when you are and aren’t pregnant when you are trying to get pregnant. The twins part was an okay thought, I figured who doesn’t like two for the price of one? The fibroid was kind of the last thing I was thinking about.

That appointment was on July 2, 2020. The angst was high and I couldn’t wait for my first ultrasound to get some answers. That weekend I began to develop pain and they thought maybe I was having an ectopic pregnancy but I couldn’t get a rushed ultrasound over the holiday weekend. Fireworks were going off inside of me and around me. I sadly couldn’t wait for the long weekend to be over.

I luckily didn’t have an ectopic pregnancy but during my first ultrasound, I learned that I had a 16 cm fibroid posterior to my uterus. For those of you who don’t know the metric system 16 cm = fucking huge. I was told that it didn’t look like it had a blood supply so it shouldn’t get any bigger. Man, was that inaccurate. By the end of my pregnancy, the fibroid grew to 21 cm = fucking scary.

During my pregnancy I was in the ER multiple times and treated to avoid preterm labor, I had to go on disability from work to manage pain and preterm labor. I was in extreme pain almost all of the time but the hardest thing to manage was that I was in fear almost all of the time. I would take the pain over the fear any day.

My delivery was simply put scary. I knew that there were a couple of things that might have happened that day. I was going to have a higher incision to accommodate the fibroid and to reach the baby and I was maybe going to need a t-shaped incision on my uterus. What I learned the day of my c-section was that I would possibly need a blood transfusion. I was prepped with two IVs. Blood was ordered ahead of time and already in the OR as there wouldn’t be time to waste should I need it. Alternatively, they would maybe need to give me some medicine to stop the bleeding or place some kind of ball in my uterus to stop the bleeding. Lastly, I was told that if it came down to it, they would have to take my uterus to save my life.

So, I was freaking terrified for the safety of my baby but it had never ever crossed my mind in nine months that my well-being was at risk. I was okay with letting go of vanity and having a higher incision but I wasn’t okay with giving up my uterus or my life. In all honestly, I still cry every time I tell this story. I have tears in my eyes as I even type this. I had never been this scared before.

I worked with my healer for many weeks leading up to my c-section to get mentally and emotionally prepared. We had an amazing session the morning of my delivery and even so when I was given that information, I was rocked. I couldn’t get out of fear mode. I broke down, my husband and I exchanged scared and loving looks. I didn’t have a chance to tell him that I loved him or to plan what life would be like for Hazel if I weren’t in it.

Right after that bomb, I went straight in for my epidural, I was shaking uncontrollably. My arms flailed during the whole procedure. While I recited affirmations in my head, I still felt struck with fear. Hazel is a tough cookie, she weathered an obtrusive roommate for months and hung in there while the thing was degenerating and wreaking havoc on my system. It turns out she kicked her legs down and the doctor was able to grab her and avoid touching the fibroid. Interacting with the fibroid is what could have caused major bleeding. Your body is more vascular while pregnant so they had to keep the monster sleeping while they went in to get Hazel.

While I was so happy that Hazel made it out safely, I had to immediately switch gears after seeing her and focus on getting myself out of there. I regret not being able to bask in her presence more but I was in survival mode. Every day since I have worked to be present when I am with her, her presence is something I never take for granted.

In the end, all I needed was some medicine to stop the bleeding. I got a healthy baby and the opportunity to keep my uterus and my life. To be honest, the odds of the uterus coming out is unclear because none of it was predictable, we were dealing with an unpredictable foreign object. Maybe the odds weren’t that high but any odds in that direction felt high to me.

My doctor told me we got extremely lucky and that the fibroid was terrifying. At that point, it was the size of my head. The story with the fibroid was not over but my beautiful baby was safe and out in the world.

Two days postpartum, I had a meltdown. Apparently, that is when all of the estrogen drops. I was in extreme pain from surgery and also I hadn’t shaken off the fear. I cried hysterically that night and like a scene from a movie, a nurse came in and combed my hair to comfort me. I recall thinking that I look like a person in an insane asylum, dressed in my hospital gown, crying and being soothed while my hair is brushed. I felt nuts and comforted at the same time. It turns out, I was having major PTSD from surgery. That would kick off a healing journey like none I had ever experienced before.

While I had just had a baby, my tears were also tied to future babies. I wanted to have more kids but this pregnancy and delivery were so difficult, I felt robbed of that. I was lettering the fear control the present and the future. That is something I am still working to rectify.

I made it through that night and I also can say that every day has gotten better since. Five months later, I am a happy and well-adjusted mama who is slowly letting go of some trauma.

Something I have learned is that pregnancy and birth are wild. No one tells you that and even if they do, it is not something you can comprehend until you experience it. I consider myself a compassionate person but there is no way in hell I ever understood my mama friends until now.

I know that was heavy but there was a very happy ending in spite of it all. What I want you to take away is that all pregnancies are deliveries are different. Some can be challenging like mine and others are smooth sailing.

For those experiencing a challenging one, hold on to hope. Get rooted in the power of possibility as the body is incredibly strong. It’s the mind that can weaken the body. Something that changed things for me during my pregnancy was thinking that Hazel wanted to be here just as much as I wanted her to be here. I believe in the power of manifestation and when I decided to get pregnant, I asked Hazel to join me and she did. She fought that fibroid durning my pregnancy, she masterfully kicked her way into the world and she also saved me in the process.

If you are pregnant, think about this little being wanting to be here as much as you want them to be here. Allow them to be strong. Even though they are small, they are mighty. Release some of that burden on you having to be the only one with strength and capacity to move forward. You are a team and together, everything is possible.

Wishing you strength and light.

xo